It’s all about give and take!

By Phylis Schroeder

Most people can be separated into two groups: the givers and the takers.

If you are a giver, you are the one who is making sure that all that is needed to be done is taken care of.

At work, you’re the one who stays late if something has to be finished and you feel obligated to make sure it is done the best way you know how.

Your mentality is to give it your all.

If you know what has to be accomplished, you do it without being asked or supervised. You are committed to your tasks and responsibilities. This is the way your mind works. You do not wait for others to do the work.

In your personal life, you are the one that worries about your relationships. You value friendships and go out of your way to maintain them. If your friends need help, you are there. You don’t take people for granted.

If you have children, you are committed to parenting. Your thoughts are often about them and their needs.

If you are a taker, you believe that you are not responsible for things at work. You rarely look at what you can do to make a relationship better. It’s always the other person’s fault.

In a way, you are still in the “pre-school” stage. You still need to be cared for and want people to respond to you. You haven’t yet leaned about sharing and responding to others.

There is nothing wrong with needing things. Part of self-worth is knowing and believing that you deserve the best. You should have a job that you really love. We spend too many hours working not to like what we do.

And life is too short to have friends that don’t give back to you.

There are times that you should be on the receiving end. You need to know that you can count on others.

Relationships need to be reciprocal. You need to feel loved and that you are special to others. At work, you have to feel that you are not the only one doing the job. You need recognition and approval.

Problems arise when you are out of balance: when you see yourself as only the giver or only the taker. No one ever taught you that you have responsibilities to others in both your career and private life.

If you are too much the giver, somewhere you were taught that you didn’t deserve things. It may even be hard to be on the receiving end.

What does this all mean for you? You have to evaluate if you are uncomfortable and feel out of balance. Do you feel you are always giving?

Unfortunately, takers often like it just the way it is! If you are the giver, you may have to be the initiator of change and start demanding from others.

Think about what is important to you and who can give it to you. Go for specifics. If you just whine that no one is answering your needs, you will not get what is important to you. By stating what is on your mind, you are reaffirming what you want.

If you are that taker, you might find that giving can have its own rewards. It is part of taking an active instead of a passive role in life.

Reciprocity can be one of the joys of adulthood!

Phylis Schroeder, M.A. is a career counsellor in Manhattan.